We recently updated the page on the inability to begin our spiritual development with attachment. But the new addition is so incredibly foundation to this critique, that it was necessary to make a point of it here. What follows below is the heart of this new addition.
Wilder completely ignores the problem of insecure attachment! We do not come to God as a blank slate, ready to instantly create a secure love bond. By the time we are old enough to make a decision to follow Christ, we have already developed a primary attachment pattern that has all the force of gravity in our life. That pattern dominates nearly all of our close bonds, and it is our default way of relating when forming new relationships. Without any real awareness on our part, our basic attachment pattern is how we begin our relationship with God.
Anyone familiar with attachment theory is well aware of the four main types: Anxious, Dismissive, Disorganized, and Secure (the first 3 are all forms of insecure attachment). The sad truth is that relatively few children grow up with secure attachment. But only a secure attachment can possibly be the basis for spiritual growth and life transformation. If we are bonded to God with an insecure attachment, it will work against our spiritual growth, not foster it.
Since Wilder makes no real distinction here, the primary premise of his book has a massive hole right at the center. His blanket assumption seems to be that any bond with God is always secure, which is a huge oversight that has no basis in reality. We all know people who are fear-bonded to God with an insecure attachment pattern. Their image of God is deeply flawed, they never know if God is for them or against them or too emotionally distant to even matter. They walk on spiritual eggshells around the prayer life, and they have almost no expectation of good love and care from this fearful God. In fact, every hard-core legalist has a powerful attachment with God! It may be all they can think about. But it is a destructive attachment pattern, and it ruins their spiritual journey.
If we begin with an insecure attachment pattern, then only through a process of healing and thousands of loving encounters with God are we able to develop trust and form what is known as an earned secure attachment with God. That process, and the manner of those encounters is precisely why we have spiritual practices; that is what they are for; that is where we must begin. Wilder’s constant berating of spiritual practices actually dismisses the very tools we need in order to build this attachment that he seems to want us to have, and thus puts a true secure attachment out of reach for the vast majority of Christians.
