Attachment Cannot Be Our Starting Point
Wilder’s basic premise is that we have to begin with attachment in order to drive spiritual formation and transformation. We can only agree that once a deep abiding bond with God has been formed, it will direct our lives with an inherent power we did not know existed. Contemplatives have always known this. However, a deep secure attachment cannot possibly be where we begin, since we are simply incapable of starting there.
Wilder uses newborn babies as his example of how to begin. But newborns are the only people who bond almost instantly without having any other recourse. And even those bonds can prove to be destructive, depending on their nature. But love bonds between adults require both parties to participate in order to grow and develop. These bonds grow over time as we nurture the relationships and give our attention to our desire to bond. The one part that adults have little control over is their initial attraction to others.
But Desire/Attraction is not at all the same thing as attachment, though we are using some of the same areas of the brain. Attraction can happen spontaneously and draw our attention. But what we do with that after the initial surge is largely up to us. If that were not the case, human beings would be entirely at the mercy of blind chance, with no hope of managing what drives their own life. While we may have very little control of what catches our attention, we have a ton of resources that we can employ to either grow that desire into an attachment bond or else put an end to it so that it does not control our life. Wilder seems to blend attraction into the concept of attachment, such that we have no control over who we bond to.
This is even more true when we speak of building a secure love bond with God, whom we cannot see. We need to be intentional about seeking God and building a bond with Him, or it simply will not happen. The Bible consistently views our relationship with God as a living thing that can grow and develop over time. That is building a bond. Which is actually the one of the primary purposes of spiritual practices such as solitude, listening prayer, and contemplation – to nurture our relationship.
The Problem Gets Even Bigger
Most importantly, Wilder completely ignores the problem of insecure attachment! We do not come to God as a blank slate, ready to instantly create a secure love bond. By the time we are old enough to make a decision to follow Christ, we have already developed a primary attachment pattern that has all the force of gravity in our life. That pattern dominates nearly all of our close bonds, and it is our default way of relating in newly formed relationships. Without any real awareness on our part, our basic attachment pattern is how we begin our relationship with God.
Anyone familiar with attachment theory is well aware of the four main types: Anxious, Dismissive, Disorganized, and Secure (the first 3 are all forms of insecure attachment). The sad truth is that relatively few children grow up with secure attachment. But only a secure attachment can possibly be the basis for spiritual growth and life transformation. If we are bonded to God with an insecure attachment, it will work against our spiritual growth, not foster it.
Since Wilder makes no real distinction here, the primary premise of his book has a massive hole right at the center. His blanket assumption seems to be that any bond with God is always secure, which is a massive oversight that has no basis in reality. We all know people who are fear-bonded to God with an insecure attachment pattern. Their image of God is deeply flawed, they never know if God is for them or against them or too emotionally distant to even matter. They walk on spiritual eggshells around the prayer life, and they have almost no expectation of good love and care from this fearful God. In fact, every hard-core legalist has a powerful attachment with God! It may be all they can think about. But it is a destructive attachment pattern, and it ruins their spiritual journey.
If we begin with an insecure attachment pattern, then only through a process of healing and thousands of loving encounters with God are we able to develop trust and form what is known as an earned secure attachment with God. That process, and the manner of those encounters is precisely why we have spiritual practices; that is what they are for; that is where we must begin. Wilder’s constant berating of spiritual practices actually dismisses the very tools we need in order to build this attachment that he seems to want us to have, and thus puts a true secure attachment out of reach for the vast majority of Christians.
Relationship is Not a Synonym for Attachment
This also brings up the point that relationship is the not the same thing as attachment. New Christians have complete access to an interactive relationship with God. We might even argue that this is what brings about spiritual formation, and something we need to focus on. In fact, that is what spiritual practices help us with. But secure attachment – true bonding – is something that we pursue and build over a lifetime. And as we build it, yes, it will impact our life in wonderful ways without conscious effort. It just cannot be where we begin.
No Answers for Distorted Images of God
Wilder’s paradigm also hits a brick wall when it comes to people who have distorted images of God, or who are resentful because God did not answer their prayers, or who are afraid of God for some reason. They cannot form a secure attachment to God because their “fast track” is resisting the whole idea and process. At one point he admits that people can get stuck in this catch-22 (p.123) and says these people might need special attention. In his attempt to remain consistent with his basic premise, he suggests that they must first form attachment bonds with other Christians who are attached to God, and that might help. But this does not solve the problem of distorted images of God that result from such things as personal tragedy and the way in which these internalized images prevent attachment to God. Nor does it acknowledge that those attachments with other Christians will most likely follow our basic attachment pattern, which if insecure, will not help us at all. And lastly, he subtly implies that most people do not have this problem; it’s only those few who need special help. But the reality is that the vast majority of Christians suffer from distorted images of God. Which means we all need help in this process.
Wilder has a dilemma here in that in order to allow for various aspects of inner healing to be our initial steps, he would have to abandon his premise that bonding is the starting point. But the reality is that secure bonds require trust, and trust takes time to build as we develop our relationship to the Other.
Summary
Wilder’s premise that a bond with God is where we begin our Christian journey is totally unrealistic. It is impossible to manufacture a secure bond out of thin air. Secure bonds are built over time with the very spiritual practices that he dismisses as having no value.
In short, the primary premise of this book is deeply flawed, offering nothing more than a fictional scenario. This idea that a secure attachment bond with God arises naturally and spontaneously has absolutely no basis in reality.